Have you ever wondered why it’s called a thunderstorm, not a lighteningstorm? Not all that many years ago it used to be the opposite. If you don’t believe me, ask your grandfather. Actually, maybe you’d better not. He’s probably napping somewhere and old folks need their rest. You’ll just have to trust me.

Why did it change? Well, the lightening and the thunder were very happy together for a long time. He would flash across the sky in all his glory and then she would let out an ear splitting rumble that would shake the houses for miles around. Everyone was terrified of them.

The lightening took tremendous pride in his status as one of nature’s most awesome displays. The thunder loved him and she was content to live by his side.

But then, one day, the lightening announced that he was leaving her. He had met the enormously seductive kitten’s purr and, from then on, he said, hers would be the sounds that would accompany his fiery displays. He was sorry, but that was the way it had to be.

The thunder was heartbroken, but she didn’t create a scene. She would never stay where she was not wanted and if that’s the way he felt, then that was it. With tears in her eyes but with dignity in her step she turned her back on him and went off to find another place in the world.

She searched all around, but no matter where she looked, no one was alone. The cars had their honks. The cows had their moos. The telephones had their rings. Where was a new partner for her?

Then one day, in the middle of the summer, she noticed a single leaf blow off a tree. It danced through the air and slowly, slowly floated down. When it finally hit the ground it made no sound at all. It seemed so sad. The falling leaves must be terribly lonely. They’re so quiet.

“Well,” thought the thunder, “I can take care of that!”

And so she did. All through that August, whenever a stray leaf would fall to the grass, a giant BOOM would burst the stillness of the warm afternoons. The thunder was still very sad. She missed the lightening. But at least she felt useful again and her new life was certainly relaxed and peaceful.

But then, when October came, she noticed a change. She suddenly found herself being called upon much more often. A leaf would fall. BOOM! Then another. BOOM! And, just minutes after that, another. BOOM! Every week it got worse, as the leaves fell faster and faster. By November she was frantic. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! It was a constant, never ending cacophony as the trees seemed to empty their entire contents all at once. It seemed like it would never end and, finally, the exhausted thunder had enough. She ran away as fast as she could, just seconds before completely collapsing.

She would have to find someplace else.

 

The lightening, meanwhile, couldn’t wait for a storm. When one finally came he was filled with excitement. Soon he’d get to hear the “purr”.

The sky turned black with thick clouds. All the people got nervous and ran inside. In a few moments, the rain was pouring down. The lightening gathered all his strength and lit the sky with spectacular flashes that could be seen for miles around. And the kitten’s purr released a particularly cute “Meorrrrr...”

The lightening waited for the screams of babies and the squeals of terror that always accompanied his appearance, but, for some reason, they didn’t come. Instead, all the people cowering in their homes poked up their heads and said “Oh, how sweet!” When the lightening heard that, he was shocked. He considered the matter and frowned.

 

All around the world, the thunder searched, looking for a mate. After a bit, she came to a big city, where she noticed a bent old lady, leaning into a cane, trying to walk down the street. The woman’s progress was slow. The streets were very crowded and no one thought to make way for her, so she could only creep forward, an inch or two at a time. At first the thunder was very angry at the other people, who seemed so cruel. But she soon realized that it wasn’t that they were mean. It was just that, in all the hustle and bustle, they didn’t notice the poor old woman.

“Well,” thought the thunder, “I can take care of that!”

And so, just as the great grandmother was getting ready to try to cross the street, the thunder attached herself to the tap of her cane.

The woman stood at the curb and looked both ways. After this next minivan drove by there’d be a break. She slowly raised her cane. All her joints ached as she picked up her right foot and carefully, carefully rested it down on the road. Then she raised her left foot and her cane and simultaneously pushed them to the ground and leaned her weight into them.

At that instant the world was shattered by a terrifying BOOOOOM! The old lady felt a sharp pain in her chest and fainted instantly. Cars on both sides screeched to a halt and barely missed her prone body. The thunder watched, horrified, as an ambulance arrived minutes later. The paramedics examined the woman quickly, confirmed it was her heart, and rushed her to the hospital.

Everything was all right in the end. It turned out that it was the woman’s seventh heart attack this year alone. For her, they were as routine as a trip to the beauty parlor and the hospital staff treated her like an old friend. The thunder stayed just long enough to confirm that everything was o.k. and then hurried away, as alone and unwanted as ever.

 

But things weren’t working out for the lightening either. In fact, he was becoming distraught. Despite the black skies, despite the pouring rain, despite his horrendous displays of light and electricity, no one took him seriously anymore!

It didn’t matter how far and how frequently he flashed. The kitten’s purr would release her “mmmmrrrrrrr’s” and the atmosphere would be completely ruined!

No one could feel terror under these conditions. The kitten’s purr just didn’t inspire the fear and awe the lightening required. He was used to being one of the most fearsome of all natural phenomena. He wanted people to cover their heads with sheets when he appeared, not smile indulgently.

What was he going to do?

 

The thunder was tired of thinking small. This time she would pick something important, something that everyone listened to. She looked around and one day she happened to overhear a TV news program. The people on the small screen seemed to talk quite a lot. But, she realized, they didn’t seem to be saying much of anything at all.

“Well,” thought the thunder, “I can take care of that!”

The next day, just before the evening broadcast, she attached herself to a respected anchorman.

“Action!” yelled the director.

Important sounding music played and an announcer began to speak. “This is Network World Evening News Now!” he declared. “With Peter Blather.”

The camera focused on Peter sitting at his desk with a tight lipped smile. He shuffled some papers, nodded slightly and opened his mouth. But instead of “Good Evening,” all that came out was “BOOM!” He quickly brought his hand up and covered his mouth. Then he tried to speak again. “BOOM!” And again. “BOOM!” The thunder was thrilled. The whole country was listening to her! Peter tried to speak once more. “BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!” He jumped up from his desk. “BOOM!”

In the control booth the director and the producer were frantically conversing. They watched Peter through a monitor. “BOOM BOOM!” The windowed wall of the room shattered, scattering a million pieces of tiny glass in every direction. “All right!” the director shouted. “That’s enough!” He pressed a button and cut all power. Suddenly the set went dark.

The thunder looked around and realized what had happened. “I guess I’m not wanted here either,” she thought as she sadly left.

 

“This is too much!” the lightening thought. “It’s simply too much!” A storm had started and he had braced himself for the causal reactions people had been having of late. But nothing could have prepared him for this. The whole town decided to go out for a stroll! Some had umbrellas, some had raincoats and hoods, some just let the water pour all over them and hopped and skipped down the avenue.

The lightening was infuriated. He blasted and sparked and tore the sky to pieces, trying to frighten them indoors. But each flash was followed by a warm, quiet “Mmmmrrrrrrr...” that brought soft, affectionate grins to every face.

He had had enough. As gently as he could, he told the kitten’s purr that it was over. They just weren’t right for each other, and it was really better for both of them to go their separate ways... But, naturally, they could still be friends...

“Hrrrmmmpppfff!” she said, and she turned her back and marched proudly away.

The lightening watched her leave and felt relieved, but he knew it didn’t solve his problems. “What am I going to do, what am I going to do?” he thought. “If only I hadn’t been such a fool!”

Just then he noticed the thunder crossing the area. She was looking aghast at the people milling about, smiling up at the sky.

“Darling, darling!” he said. “You’ve come back!”

“I’m just passing through,” she answered. “But what on earth is going on here?”

“Oh, darling, it’s terrible, it’s horrible. Please, please take me back! I love you, I need you, it’s just not the same without you!”

“I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be the same anymore. You simply hurt me too badly.”

The lightening was devastated. “Oh, please, please...”

“I’m sorry, my answer is final.”

The lightening paused. “How about... how about just one last time... for old time’s sake...”

The thunder thought about it. She had been so lonely for so long. “Well... all right... but just this once...”

The lightening smiled with joy and they began.

 

Black clouds covered the sky like a thick blanket. The winds were beginning to howl to the north. Cold rain splattered the earth in giant puddles. The people skipping on the street paused and looked up. Something had changed, something was different. The thunder felt the old familiar electricity in the air. The charge became stronger, building and building. The energy was everywhere and she became filled with a joy she thought she had lost forever. Still the charge increased. Finally, the lightening just couldn’t take it anymore. He flashed out in every direction over and over and over again. For several seconds, it was noon at midnight.

That pushed the thunder over the edge and a moment later she let out the loudest roar of her entire life.

“BMMMOOOOMMMOOOMMO- MMMOOMMOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!”

The faces of the people below filled with terror. The whole town echoed with screams and the sounds of feet running back to their houses.

“Oh, baby, that was wonderful,” said the lightening, as car alarms wailed all through the neighborhood. “Are you sure you won’t reconsider?”

“Well...” said the exhausted thunder, “maybe I will... But there’s going to have to be a few changes...”

“Anything, baby, anything!”

 

And that is why it’s now called a thunderstorm and not a lighteningstorm.

Really...

Would I lie to you?